


Lake PLacid - Torchwood Style

by AwatereJones



Series: Torchwwod Style Movie re-writes [13]
Category: Torchwood
Genre: Alien Croc, Alt Verse, Comedy, Drama, Funny, Gen, Horror, M/M, stupid
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-24
Updated: 2018-06-04
Packaged: 2019-05-13 10:05:31
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 13
Words: 16,876
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14746782
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AwatereJones/pseuds/AwatereJones
Summary: OK, time to kill another movie...er...I mean...Torchwoodize it. Ianto is the one sent to check out the sudden deaths on Sheriff Archie's Lake while the Fish and Game dude, some fella called Jack wonders how the hell a three piece suit will work out on the water. Oh...and Owen? Yeah...you are gonna love him and his chopper. Shame Gwen is so yummy looking for the croc eh? NO SMUTT





	1. Chapter 1

**LAKE PLACID**

It's night-time and over the dark water the distant cry of a Loon echoes around the lake.

The loon continues its hypnotic call, as the steamy mist lifts off the dark water, which doesn't even ripple. The loon continues her nocturnal cry, as we savour the beauty of the lake, the elegance of the bird, and the haunting echo of her lonely call... until suddenly the bird is crisply pulled under, silenced forever. A lone feather surfaces and floats.

"And they pay you for this? To tag beaver?" a Scottish brogue breaks the silence,

"Yeah, imagine that" Keirin is dressed in a Scottish Fish and Game uniform looking down from a boat.

Next to him is Sherriff Archibald, paunch, disposition of an untipped waiter. "Ask me, what an animal does in the wild is his own business so long as he doesn't do it to man. I think Mark Twain said that."

"I think he didn't. But since you've said it, I guess we're covered." Keirin snorted.

Archie holds a stare. Keirin drops overboard. Archie pulls a Twinkie from his pocket. Begins to unwrap.

.

.

.

.

.

**LONDON - MUSEUM OF NATURAL HISTORY**

Ianto Jones, handsome, thirty, as Lisa Hallett, early forties, approaches. "Ianto."

Ianto turned and answers warmly "Lisa, hey."

He beams affection, she exudes a little discomfort.

"Hi. Listen. Could I steal you a second?" Lisa asks.

A great idea according to Ianto's face lighting up "Absolutely."

They enter Lisa's office, she closes the door. "I had a great time last night. Again."

"Me too." Ianto enthuses then reading her look, he suddenly smells it. His face drops. "That's not what you came to say."

"You work for me. I'm not comfortable with- y'know, 'us'..." she says gently and Ianto looks more than a little crushed.

"I was working for you when 'us' started, what's…" Ianto starts but Lisa holds up her hand to stop him.

"I know and I thought I could handle it but work and pleasure along with somebody else, it's a dangerous mix." Lisa shrugs.

"Lisa, as long as we..." Ianto suddenly hesitates "What was that last part?"

Sheepishly Lisa asks "The somebody else part?"

"Yeah, that part. There's...somebody who's um..."

Lisa looks like she feels terrible "Else."

A beat.

"Oh. Oh. That's okay. Well. This uh... this probably wasn't meant to be, y'know. I mean, I'm... God, I gotta be ten years younger and you, you... you're y'know..." Ianto knows he is floundering but is still in shock that this woman he was starting to pin his future on was fucking two timing him?

"A jerk."

"Oh..." Ianto blinks, then stammers "No, no, I'm not angry I'm not, I'm just thrown, I'm... (checks his watch) I actually have an early lunch, so..."

"It's ten after nine."

"Yes, well..." Ianto says smiling "famished."

And he rushes out of the room.

.

.

.

.

.

Keirin dives down, visibility is lousy. Whether it's algae or dense vegetation, the water is extremely murky.

Archie unwraps the second Twinkie.

Keirin continues to swim.

Not much to look at. Then suddenly... no, just a snapping turtle swimming away. Keirin descends a little deeper. He loves it beneath the water, there's a tranquillity he can find nowhere else. Next best thing to meditation. Suddenly, he stops kicking.

An ell, it must be almost three feet in length.

Keirin flippers himself closer, wants a closer look. The snake seems unimpressed. Then suddenly, the eel lunges at him, misses. Shit. Keirin's look says "what the fuck?" A beat. Then the eel swims off. Keirin relaxes. A beat. But then... he looks around, uneasy. He gets this feeling he's not alone down there. Looks about, nothing but murky water. But he's not alone, we can feel he's not alone.

He looks left, right... then... four eels, swimming, hovering, looking back at him. What's with these eels? Keirin decides he'll go back to the boat. Then... BOOM. Something hits him... and it's no eel.

Archie. Oblivious. Waiting. Suddenly- Keirin comes thrusting up with a scream!

"Sheriff!" And Keirin is promptly yanked back under.

"Hey!"

Upon which Keirin surfaces. He swims frantically for a beat before he's suddenly yanked under again. Then he surfaces, thrashing as Archie speeds over with the boat. He takes hold of him and pulls him on board. Actually... what's left of him. There's nothing below the waist. Keirin is just a bleeding torso, though still conscious.

"Jesus Christ." Archie gasps clenching around Keirin's arm.

He knows he's done.

.

.

.

.

A T-Rex is angry and out for blood.

Ianto is watching an old classic creature feature. Alone, slowly eating popcorn, rapt, tense... watching the movie. As the suspense builds, his hand freezes halfway between the popcorn bag and his mouth.

The monster pursues its human victim.

Ianto jumps with fear on his face.

The monster makes its final surge, capturing its prey.

Ianto screams with fear and delight. His scream is only partially muted by the shrieks of the other moviegoers.

After a beat, he calms, daring to eat popcorn again. Wearing gullibility, vulnerability all over his face. Then from behind a hand appears, taps his shoulder, causing him to let loose with the most blood-curdling scream of all.

All the moviegoers turn to See Daimen. Thirties, standing mortified; the man who tapped him on the shoulder.

Ianto and Daimen emerge from the movie theatre.

"What do you expect, mugging me from behind?" Ianto demands, really fed up with the day now as most of the popcorn was left on the floor.

"I tapped you."

"Well you shouldn't have. How did you even know where I was.

With a sarcastic snort Daimen replies "Wild guess."

"I don't like to be scared, Daimo mate, I have a thing about fright, don't ever scare me."

"Lisa told me you were upset."

"Really? I never realized she was so psychic, how could she detect that, did she tell you there's somebody else?" Ianto snarls, then glances at his friend who has slowed his walking.

"Well... she didn't have to tell me that part." Daimen says sheepishly.

Ianto freezes. Stares at him. "You?"

"It started before you, Ianto, I never would've—"

" You?"

"It was just a quick thing which we thought was over, and …. and..."

"You and Lisa." Ianto clarifies with horror.

"It wasn't supposed to happen, I don't know what to say..." Daimen splutters as Ianto blinks slowly.

A beat.

"You don't know what to say, lucky for you action speaks louder than words." Ianto snorts, his hurt now coming off him on waves. His friend. His best friend from childhood who only got the bloody job because he spoke up for him and….fucker.

"Ianto—"

"I'm not upset, Daimen, okay. I just never thought of you as a y'know..."

"Backstabber?"

"No."

"Liar?"

"Daimen" Ianto slumps, he has lost his only true friend. He knows this now, his relationship with Lisa has been for over three years, Daimen had only come to London last Christmas. Lisa has played them and chosen the one she wants.

"Shitbutt?"

"I really... I should get back." And Ianto peels off to go on his way. Bumps into a Pedestrian.

He then gives him an angry shove, muttering to the pedestrian "Don't fuck with me!"

And off he goes into traffic without looking, miraculously making it to the other side.

The Pedestrian and Daimen exchange a look.


	2. Damn!

Coroner's ambulance. Keirin's covered body is being loaded, as Jack Harkness in a Fish and Game uniform, Forty, emerges from a black truck. He approaches the body. Lifts up the sheet. Stares a beat in disbelief. Turns to Archie.

"What did this?"

.

.

.

.

Ianto's in his office, working at his desk. Lisa enters. "Hey."

"Lisa. How's it going, what's happenin', family good, great, nice to catch up, get out." Ianto says in a monotone without looking up.

"This is business." Lisa says defiantly, "There was an accident in Scotland, some guy got killed by something in a lake. Probably a wild cat, or pack of dogs but... they found a tooth."

"A tooth?" Ianto repeats without looking up from his paperwork.

"A tooth they say couldn't have come from any mammal. They say it looks prehistoric. Like maybe a dinosaur."

Without looking up Ianto replies "Oh, well then I'm sure that's it, he got killed by a dinosaur, anything else?"

"I want you to go there."

Now he looks up. "Sorry?"

"I'm sure it's nothing, but you're a palaeontologist, this is what we do, I—"

"This is what we do?" Ianto slow blinks.

"I'd like you to check out this lake. See—" Lisa steps forward only to hesitate as ianto rises from his seat.

"Are you on drugs?"

"Ianto—"

"I'm not going to Scotland, I won't even go –"

"Part of our research…" Lisa tries but Ianto simply raises his voice over her.

"I'm not even a field person."

"Well on this one I'd like you to be." Lisa snaps and Ianto stares back. The penny drops.

"This was Daimen's idea, wasn't it? Get me out of the office for a few days, until…"

"It has nothing to do with…"

"I never do field work and even if I did, Scotland, to look at a tooth of a dinosaur who bit somebody, couldn't you dream up something—"

"Ianto—"

"I am not going to Scotland. That's ridiculous."

**.**

**..**

**.**

**.**

A sea helicopter is sailing up against the blue sky, nothing but Evergreens and lakes below.

Ianto with the Pilot. He looks a little white.

.

.

.

.

Ianto is walking with Archie the morgue.

"He just came up screaming." Archie explains as he walks and unwraps another Twinkie.

"Did he say anything?"

"He just kinda gurgled. He was pretty much dead." Archie shrugs, examining the Twinkie he has bitten into.

"And you didn't see anything?"

"The lake was dead calm until up he came. The tooth is in there." Archie pointed towards a door.

"There?" Ianto asked, hesitating "That's the morgue."

" Yes."

"Is the dead guy in there?" Ianto knows he sounds stupid but is a little alarmed.

"That's where they keep them." Archie agrees then sighs "You want me to bring the tooth out here?"

"Um." Ianto finds some bravado "No, no. Let's go."

The Medical Examiner, Daniel, is there with Archie and Ianto. Keirin's torso is covered. Ianto is examining the tooth. "I need to get a microscopic look at it."

"Fine." Daniel agrees indicating towards equipment "There you go."

Maybe I should see..." Ianto glances toward the cloth covered body.

Reading him Archie mutters "I wouldn't."

"I'm fine, thank you." Ianto says with more conviction than he feels.

"Have you ever seen a dead body before, Mr. Jones?" Daniel asks.

"Well." Ianto admits "At wakes."

"This is a little different." Archie reminds him with a sideways glance at Daniel who is struggling not to grin.

"I can look at dead things."

And Daniel is about to pull the sheet back when Ianto barks "Wait."

He takes a breath.

"Okay."

And Daniel peels back the sheet. Ianto strains to disguise his extreme horror. Finally fighting off nausea Ianto asks "This... how long did this attack go on for?"

"Seconds." Archie shrugs "Three, four."

"And this is how he came to the boat?" Ianto leans over the corpse and take a tentative breath.

"Yes."

"Okay." Ianto nods, then says weakly "And is there a place nearby I could go to vomit?"

.

.

.

.

Paradise. It's a small, almost tiny town; general store, post office, fire station. Ianto and Archie are in front of the general store loading supplies into a van, across the street in front of the Sheriff's Department.

"Nobody lives within twenty-five miles, 'cept some old couple who live right on the lake. Teenagers trek in every once in a while, none have disappeared, and none have spotted anything unusual." Archie flicks his hand as he talks, showing the direction of the few things worth pointing out.

"You talk to the married couple?" Ianto wonders.

"Not yet."

"What kind of backup do we have?" Ianto asks as he heads towards his rental car.

"We?"

That strikes a nerve. Ianto swngs to face him with a defensive "What?"

"Sorry. I'm just a little unclear as to why the Museum of Natural Earth History would send somebody here." Archie says with a frown.

"You have a thing against museums?"

"I got nothing against—"

"Ever even been in one?" Ianto knows he is being snide but ya know he really didn't want to be here either. He wanted to be cuddled up with that two timing whore bitch who…ah…ooooo. Gun.

Archie stares back. Then picks up a huge cannon-like gun. As he loads it Ianto asks "What is that?"

"Lightweight Forward Area air device unit. Whatever's out there, one shot with this and he's dead."Archie snarls with open malice.

Ianto is incredulous "And you stock these things for what, to fend off New Russia? Or the next Alien invasion?"

A beat.

"You're sort of a rude person." Archie points out.

" It's just that…" Suddenly, like a shot, Ianto's arm jerks up as he jet sprays a jet of white fog from a can of Yard Guard. Archie holds a look at him.

"Mosquitos. I have a thing about mosquitos." Ianto frowns.

Upon which a sport utility vehicle pulls up, it's marked "United Panets Fish And Game". Jack emerges, Ianto's eyes scan him like radar.

"We set?" Jack grins with the ease of someone who knows they are filling the uniform well.

"A museum in London sent us some additional back up." Archie says sarcastically.

Ianto shoots Archie a look. Then "Ianto Jones."

"Jack Harkness. A museum sent you?" Jack grimaces.

"Are we all museum bigots in New Scotland? Or is that an Old American Accent?" Ianto asks. "Boeshanne?"

Jack holds a look, decides to let that pass. "Did you make anything of the tooth?"

"Yes, it did seem prehistoric but I'm sure he just carried the thing for luck. Not that it worked, obviously. It probably somehow got lodged into his body." Ianto nods.

Jack holds another look.

"Why are you staring at me?" Ianto demands, turning to Archie "Do I have a smudge on my face, it would be so you not to have told me."

Archie also lets that pass as he turns to Jack "I'm ready when you are."

Jack studies the young man in a suit more closely then nods.

"Let's go."


	3. Are you kidding me?

As they start out, Ianto grabs Jack by the arm. "Excuse me. One other thing, it's a small point, but... I have a thing about being humoured, and I'm feeling humoured, more by him, but you seemed quick to join in."

"Mister, your first impression isn't going well."

A sixteen year old Chrys, flirtatious little vixen, steps up. "Excuse me? Is it true you're going to look for some kind of monster in Black Lake?"

"We're just going to investigate an accident. There's no monster." Archie says comfortingly. Almost like a grandfather might if not for the leering at her breasts.

"We heard a man got bit in half."

"There was an accident, that's all. Nothing to worry about." Archie reassures her.

And Chrys goes into the store. The men just watch her go. Sixteen going on twenty, taught. Ianto just looks at the men, gaping at the girl.

"Aw Please."

**.**

**.**

**.**

**.**

Archie, Jack, and Ianto are in a boat motoring towards a farmhouse. No other houses in sight. They are here to question Estelle, mid-sixties, eccentric if not slightly daffy. She's brought out refreshments.

"Oh, my husband passed away almost two years ago." Estelle says distractedly as she looks at the lovely young man who is politely nibbling on one of her cookies.

"My department doesn't have any record of that, Mrs. Estelle." Archie sighs.

Estelle answers with some attitude "Oh well, I'm sorry. I didn't realize you keep such a firm track of the dead."

Ianto gently pats her arm "What was the cause of your husband's death, Ma'am, do you know? We don't mean to invade your privacy but... was he ill, was he sick?"

"Was he swallowed?" Archie huffs.

Ianto is instantly reprimanding "Sheriff."

"Estelle, the reason we're up here... a man was fatally attacked yesterday by some animal in this lake. Do you know how your husband died?" Jack tries.

Estelle smiles brightly "Oh yes. I killed him."

Archie clenches his eyes shut. The old woman's a loon.

"You killed him." Jack repeats as he leans back.

"Oh, yes." She nods happily.

"And how would you have accomplished this, Ma'am?" Archie asks tentatively.

Estelle starts rattling it off quickly, simply "Well, he was very ill and he refused to go see a doctor and well... I think he had Alzheimer's, he would be coherent one day, incoherent the next and one coherent day, he asked me to end his suffering. I wouldn't do it but he kept insisting and insisting and deteriorating till the point the only cognitive thing he could really do was that I finish him off. Finally I just gave in and hit him on the head with a skillet then buried him under the bulkhead."

Jack, Archie, and Ianto just stare back at this crazy woman.

Estelle leans closer to Archie "Dig him up if you don't believe me, Archie."

**.**

**.**

**.**

**.**

Archie and Ianto are in the boat slowly travelling along the thickly wooded shoreline.

"Half mile up, there's a clearing." Archie calls out.

"You gonna dig up that lady's husband?" Jack turns to look in the direction Archie is pointing as he speaks.

Archie shrugs, "I'll call the coroner."

"What is with this lake? It looks black and... there are no waves or anything." Ianto asks looking around.

"They wanted to call it Lake Placid." Archie replies "But somebody said that name was taken."

Ianto turns to Jack with wide eyes "Gee."

Jack smiles, gets his sarcasm.

"The tents were sent ahead, they should already be set-up." Archie calls as they start to swing around the bend.

"We're staying in tents?" Ianto gasps with horror.

"I told you. Two days, we'd have to camp." Archie says like it was a long going argument.

"Yes, camp, I thought that meant Holiday Inn, I never heard "tents", will there be toilets?" Ianto demands and Archie blinks.

Archie is about to say something sarcastic then leans forward seeing something "What the hell?"

Archie's attention has been otherwise arrested. He sees something in the water.

"What?" Ianto swings to look in the direction Archie is.

"Archie is slowing the boat ""I thought I saw..."

"It looks like a branch." Ianto says as Archie leans over to grab something floating in the water. Looks like a branch. He lifts it up, revealing it to be an antler. Connected to the severed head of a moose. Archie, seeing it as he lifts it, screams, throwing it.

It hits Ianto and he screams, a blood-curdling scream, as the head hits the floor of the boat with a heavy thud as Ianto rears back, still screaming, and belts Archie in the shoulder.

"Hey!" Archie yells with shock.

"You threw it at me!" Ianto accuses.

Archie is denying it "I just let go of it."

"You threw it at me!" Ianto snarls, then turns to Jack "Did you see that?"

He belts him again.

"Alright" Jack soothes, trying to pull him back from the older man.

"Stop hitting me!" Archie rubs at his arm.

"Don't throw heads at me" Ianto snaps back.

A beat. This head looks ripped off the body.

"What is going on here?" Jack says to no one in particular.

.

.

.

A small tent camp is being set up. People unpacking. Two Deputies, Gwen and Andy, present. Ianto is with Jack.

"How big do the bears get?" Ianto asks as he follows Jack towards the far tent.

"Big but... a bear couldn't do that to a moose or man in water. On land maybe. But..." Jack shrugs.

"And they're sure he didn't get tangled under the outboard somehow?" Ianto frowns.

"He says he's sure."

Ianto takes in the scenic surroundings. "It really is beautiful, isn't it?"

"Never been to Paradise before?"

"I was told they discriminate against people with hygiene." Ianto says flippantly and swings to grin at Jack "I never believed it."

Jack measures him. Then "Why are you here? Really."

"I told you."

"The Museum doesn't send out investigators to—"

"How would you know, what…" Ianto tries to cut in but Jack continues.

"And even if they did, I doubt he or she would have problems with tents." Jack finishes.

"So I don't like tents, why—"

"You don't like tents, mosquitoes, look at your fingernails, you have about as much business being in the woods…" Jack frowns ans Ianto loks on at his hands with confusion as Jack continues "-as Emily Post, it doesn't make sense. They sent you out to examine a tooth, why are you out here on the on the lake?"

A beat. Might as well tell.

"I am a palaeontologist." Ianto throws caution to the wind "I also was dating my boss she turned out to be involved with a co-worker who was also my friend and for the sake of comfort, theirs, I was shipped off to New Scotland. I don't feel like going back yet."

There.

He said it.

Jack stares back.

" I'm not making it up."

"Well. You don't have to stay out here, why don't…" Jack has to get used ot the cutting off mid-sentence thing it seems.

"I've come, I'm here, I'm staying. Unless there are ticks."

"Ticks?"

Jack blinks as he wonders if there are hidden cameras.

"Ticks?"


	4. Toe much?

Ianto looks up as the sound of a chopper comes closer, then exclaims "Oh my God."

"What?" Jack is looking up as well.

"If this is who I think it is." Ianto mutters as it gets closer, then his slender shoulders slump "It is."

"Who?"

"Owen Harper. He's a rich kook mythology professor. He's done some work with our museum. He also treks the universe to swim with Crocodillions." Ianto says like he is reciting his last words before an execution.

"With what?" Archie demands as he arrives.

"Crocodillions. He's an expert on them. And if he's here... then he must think that's what's in this lake." Ianto explains.

"In Paradise?"

"There have been Northern sightings." Ianto explains "But not this North."

As Owen Harper, this weird ball of life, disembarks his chopper and spots Ianto "You beat me. Balls."

"I need some of you to help me unpack." He barks, pointing to Gwen and Stevens "You and you. (to Archie) Not you. (to Ianto) Who do we have from Fish And Game?"

"Me." Jack spits.

"Who is this man?" Owen demands, "I could see the algae blooms just coming in, how long has this lake been stagnant? (extending his hand to Archie) Hi, Owen Harper."

Archie turns to Ianto "Who is he?"

"I'll need any and all topographic studies." Owen barks.

"Wait just a second." Archie blusters with obvious annoyance "You don't just fly in here and start barking orders."

"I apologize, I just don't want to lose the light, we've got time for a quick scout" Owen waves a hand distractedly at Archie as he turns to Ianto "you've had work done."

Ianto's nostrils flaring "I have not."

"Who is this man?" Archie repeats.

"Owen Harper, I said it once, let me know when it sinks in" Owen swings back to Ianto as he once again dismisses the sheriff "Ianto. Have you seen it?"

"No."

"Mister..." Archie says slowly.

"It couldn't be a Crocodillion." Ianto shakes his head.

"They've been migrating north, Ianto, this lake connects to the ocean…"

"Mr. Harper!" Archie roars with annoyance.

"C'mon, we're losing light" Owen hisses to Ianto "why does the big one heckle me? Surely he knows it's Doctor Harper?"

Ianto yanks him aside to whisper back in sotto "Owen. The big one has no sense of humour. And since he's the one who decides whether you get to play, try not to be your obnoxious self."

"That hurt my feelings."

And it did a little. Owen is a little Teddy Bear.

"If we're gonna go we better go." Jack cuts in as he arrives unaware of the conversation.

**.**

**.**

**.**

**.**

**.**

Archie and Ianto are in one canoe, Owen and Jack are alongside in another. Owen is operating one of his sophisticated sonar devices. The calm. The still. The beauty.

"If he's here, I'll find him." Owen turns to Jack, nodding at Ianto "Did he tell you we had sex together?"

"I never had sex with you!" Ianto looks scandalised.

"Even so, you're allowed to boast." Owen leers "You look thin by the way, I've mentally undressed you, I can see your ribcage."

"I really don't mean to be discourteous." Archie drawls in a patronizing tone "But how is it a person could come to believe that a Crocodillion is in New Wales?"

"They have saltwater glands, they can swim across solar oceans, it's only a matter of time." Owen sniffs.

"And what would he do come winter?"

"They can survive winter. As long as their nostrils don't freeze, they survive" Owen shouts, turning again to Ianto "Am I foolish to explain things, he had such trouble with my name?"

"Owen." Ianto scolds as Owen grimaces and turns to Archie.

"Is this where it happened?"

"Around here. Yeah." Archie nods.

Owen knows his Crocodillions and explains "If he's eaten in the area, he shouldn't be far away. Crocs hang around the food source."

"But they're night-time hunters, Owen" Ianto interrupts "he'd probably be on land now anyway."

"'Cept he wasn't before, was he?" Owen smugly turns to Archie "You know, when friends or family members say things, they tend not to register so sometimes it helps to hear it from a total stranger. You're fat."

"Owen." Ianto gasps, scandalised.

Suddenly there are ripples, fish breaking surface about thirty feet away.

"What's that?" Jack asks with surprise.

"White perch." Archie steps closer to the water to watch.

"Are they feeding?" Jack looks at Archie who frowns.

"Doesn't look like it." He admits.

Jack looks at the water now boiling "They look like they're jumping."

"They look scared." Ianto says upon which something grabs the front of Ianto's canoe and with one crisp yank, flips it over like a spoon on a dinner table, sending them all flying.

In an instant, Archie and Ianto are swimming for their lives. Screaming/yelling, they scramble for the canoe, climb onto it's flipped-over back. Breathless, they all exchange confused looks. "What the hell happened"?

"My shoes." Ianto wails.

.

.

.

.

**CAMPSITE - SUNDOWN**

Ianto, still in wet clothes, is talking on his Sat phone. Archie is there as Owen approaches. Jack is approaching as well.

"None of us actually saw anything." Ianto speaks into the phone and then hesitates as someone answers, "I realize this Sir, but something flipped us over, I doubt very much it was a mink."

"What's going on?" Owen asks.

"They don't believe him." Archie guesses.

"Thank you, it's so rewarding to imagine my tax dollar finding its way to you, you Fucker." Ianto spits then slams the phone down on the log he had sat on, a growl as he looks at it and then wonders if it's broken now.

"Such the flirt." Owen chortles.

"Wildlife won't send anybody without a confirmation." Ianto scoffs.

"Same thing from Fish And Game." Jack nods.

"Something's in that water." Ianto replies as he rises to stare at the water again.

"Well until we see it, we're not gonna be convincing too many people." Jack slumps as the Deputy Sheriff approaches.

As she approaches Gwen calls out to them and Archie looks over.

"You might want to see this." She says as she points downward.

There's hundreds, maybe a thousand worms squirming, surrounding... a human toe.

Oh Goddess, worms. I got a thing about worms." Ianto groans.

Gwen looks at Ianto like he's insane as she points out "It's a human toe."

Owen studies it, picks it up. Then mutters "Some decomposition, little acidic, it has been swallowed. (to Archie; holding the toe) Is this the man who was killed?"

Archie deadpans back. "He seemed taller."

"Well, you've got a croc alright, they're keystone species." Owen says sounding way too excited.

"Keystone what?" Archie frowns.

"Species, keystones affect the entire ecosystem, that could explain all these worms, the water. You've got a Crocodillion." Owen explains proffering the toe "Bury your friend."

Owen gives the toe to Archie, then heads off. Archie stands there, holding the toe.


	5. not quite tucked in

**BEACH - NIGHT**

Ianto is testing a piece of tech that sends out little metallic sounds like fingernails on chalkboard, as Jack approaches. He stops. Takes a second to... well, admire him. He's an attractive man. He then approaches.

"Baby crocs?"

"Adult males will charge hatchlings. If there's one out there..."

Jack interrupts with a flick of his hand "If one could be out there... why does Fish and Game tell me it's impossible?"

"Because they just consult their little indigenous charts." Ianto snorts.

A beat, as he tends to his work.

"Listen... if you really do know crocs, you should know how stealth like they are. I wouldn't be standing a foot from the water." Jack points out. Ianto looks down. Jack continues to talk softly "He could be right there and you wouldn't see him.

Ianto is still looking at the water with his back to Jack "I'd be able to see something."

Upon which, Jack tosses a rock over Ianto's shoulder. As it makes a splash, he screams and practically jumps into his arms.

Then realizing as he shoots his cuffs in adorable yet stilted way "Oh that's funny. That was real funny."

And he heads off as Jack's shit eating grin starts to fade.

.

.

.

.

.

Two deputies are digging deep pits about thirty feet in front of Owen's tent. From within we hear music, the sounds of a party.

Archie approaches... looks at Deputy Davidson who's digging.

Andy shrugs "He paid us. Five hundred."

Archie continues on toward the tent.

Owen's tent is on the palatial side. Stereo, generator, he's got a margarita bar going. There's a party. Owen's dancing with Deputy Cooper, others are enjoying the drinks and music.

"You're a beautiful woman." Owen purrs.

"Thank you." Gwen says happily.

"And law enforcement, such dangerous work. The idea that you could die suddenly with no offspring, disconcerting, let's mate, commit your genes to perpetuity." Owen says as he stroked her arms.

Upon which, Archie enters, doesn't like what he sees.

"Hey." He goes, turns OFF the music. "We are here on official business."

"Cocktail?" Owen raises an eyebrow.

"No!" Archie marks, then turns towards the doors "What's with digging the holes?"

"They come on land and they're brazen. They're also attracted to noise, you can see I make a lot of it." Owen snorts.

"Everybody out, back to your tents, now!" Archie roars. They start to leave.

"Could she stay, we've tentatively scheduled intercourse." Owen says calmly as he yanks Gwen towards him possessively.

"No! Out!"

And they all go, including Cooper, who shrugs to Archie "he's kind of funny".

Archie snarls at Owen, leaning into his face "You listen to me. The only reason I'm letting you be part of this is 'cause you got the helicopter and the radar—"

"And you like me."

"I do not like you." Archie bristles as he steps back.

"Deep down, gut check. I'm growing fond of you and it's liberating to say so." Owen informs him.

Archie stares back.

"You're a whacko." And Archie leaves.

As Archie heads off Owen calls after him with a wide grin "That hurt my feelings."

**.**

**.**

**.**

**.**

**A CAMPFIRE - Night**

Ianto stands, alone, skipping stones. After a beat, Jack approaches.

"What are you doing?"

"Skipping stones. Look how flat that water is, you can get ten skips on a good one." Ianto replies.

A beat.

"Listen, uh... Archie and I think it best if you stay on shore." Jack says with open discomfort.

Ianto swung to stare at him "I beg your pardon?"

"Whatever's out there did flip over a canoe…" Jack points out.

"I am not staying on shore." Ianto states as he folds his arms.

"It's too dangerous for…"

"I didn't fly up here to roast marshmallows" Ianto splutters in his face.

"You flew up here because your boss…" Jack tries to regain the conversation but Ianto is not having it.

"I am going out on that boat and why are you picking on me, is this some kind of…" Ianto snarls and Jack blinks with surprise.

"I'm not picking…"

Ianto keeps talking like Jack hasn't spoken "hazing, new shoes in the woods?"

"I'm beginning to see why you were shipped off." Jack snaps and Ianto's face falls.

Ianto is visibly wounded; quietly whispering "That was an awful thing to say to me."

Jack feels bad now.

"I'm sorry but you're..." A beat. He doesn't finish the sentence. Can't admit his fear for him, can't let Ianto see that he is getting under his skin. It's been so long since someone made his dick twitch like this and as long as he doesn't say anything it might be OK.

"I do know Crocodilians and I won't get in your way." Ianto is speaking in a monotone showing his disconnect from Jack and for some reason this seems worse than if he had yelled back "I really do want to be a part of this."

Jack reads him, he can see that he does. "Okay. We're up at six."

"Good." Ianto nods as he turns away and Jack doesn't want the conversation to end.

"So ….'Night Ianto."

There's a strong chemistry here, though both would probably deny it. He heads off toward his tent, Ianto sits with his book. He gives one last look, watches Jack go. Then he goes back to his book.

.

..

.

.

.

**MUCH LATER**

The lake is still, the campfire is out, the tents are quiet. The quiet sounds of night. Crickets. A loon. An owl. A bertervox fluttering past the dying embers of the fire. A courageous raccoon looks about, seeing what he can rummage. By the water... a black bear takes a drink.

Archie emerges from his tent, compelled by a full bladder, wearing only his trousers, carrying a revolver. He walks into the nearby woods. He removes from his shorts his bladder's connection to the outside world. Proceeds to urinate. Then... he hears something. The sound of rustling leaves. He stops urinating to listen with a look of calm interest. A moment or two of movement. Then quiet. Must be his imagination. He resumes his business.

More rustling, it's not just the sound of dense urine against leaves, he stops... something's out there in the darkness. Quiet. He starts up for a second, stops quickly, and we hear it for sure. Something's rustling towards him. With his free hand, Archie pulls out his revolver. More rustling... Archie points the gun. Something on the ground is coming toward him. He moves slowly, gun drawn, into the darkness. The rustling is getting louder. It's almost upon him. A beat. Closer.

Closer. Then Archie peels away a bush revealing: **OWEN** … Looking into a gun barrel. He screams. Archie screams. Then-

"Jesus Christ!"

"What the hell are you doing?!" Archie screams.

"What are you doing?!" Owen points back.

"You're crawling around like a—"

"I'm laying a spring trap!"

"A spring trap!" Archie scoffs.

"I keep telling you, they can come on land, I don't wanna wake up in the middle of the night…" Owen is gesturing as he looks around the clearing, like there is an audience to this.

"I coulda shot you, you..." Archie can't find the right word.

"This could end up saving your life," Owen yells loudly "You'll be glad you didn't shoot me then, you'll be tongue massaging my haemorrhoids, just before running off to get your sister pregnant, who you probably already call mom."

"Hey look, I'm sure you finished first in your class but I think you need to be retired to the big rubber room, where you can play with soft stuffed reptiles." Archie is yelling back at the same time, neither man actually hearing the other one.

And now all the others, awakened, are charging.

"Hey! What is going on?" Ianto asks as he stumbles into the light of the lamps.

This man takes a pistol to pee!" Owen snorts, amusement starting to creep in.

"He's crawling around…" Archie is spluttering as his anger is escalating "This is an official investigation, and this cuckoo bird is a civilian. I don't care how much money he's got, he's a total mental."

And Owen storms off. A beat.

"You hurt his feelings. I think you should go apologize." Ianto sighs as he shakes his head at Archie.

"Apologize?"

"We're a team here" Ianto points out "It won't kill you to get along."

"He's a fruitcake!"

"Look. The thing about Owen... he takes this Crocodilian business very..." Ianto struggles to know how to say it "he thinks they're Godly."

A beat.

"He thinks they're what?" Jack blinks slowly.

"In his defence, every primitive culture known to man deified them." Ianto tries to explain, "He's a mythology professor, he thinks crocs are divine conduits. They came from the stars after all."

Archie turns to Jack with a quizzical frown "Is this 'spose to make me take him more serious? Coz they are Aliens they are Gods? What about the other shit we have here now."

"It's to make you understand him, with understanding comes tolerance." Ianto replies dryly "Too bad they don't put proverbs in Twinkies, my load would be lighter."

Archive is befuddled "Why does everybody insult my intelligence, I have intelligence, intelligent people eat Twinkies."

"I'm sorry." Ianto gives an eye roll and Jack looks away to hide a smile.

Archie shoots a look to Jack.

"Let's just all get some sleep." Jack suggests and Archie heads off.

"I'm an intelligent person." Archie mutters upon which, he disappears from Earth. He's stepped into one of Owen's pit traps.

A beat.

Archie's voice calmly issues forth from the dark "I shall kill him."

 


	6. CHOMP

**LAKE - SUNRISE**

The steam is lifting off the lake.

Archie, Ianto, Owen, and Archie's chosen assistant for the day Gwen are cruising in the whaler. Owen and Jack are both in full diving gear. Jack also has a stick gun for protection. Owen does not.

"Again, I don't mean to be annoying with my questions. But if it is a Crocodillion which I don't think it is. And if they do charge these baby hatchling sounds..." Archie turns to Jack "why exactly would you want to be underwater at the time?"

Then he gestures to Owen "With you it makes sense."

They don't really attack underwater and…" Owen starts.

"That "Keirin" guy got hit underwater …" Archie mutters.

"No Crocodillion has ever …" Owen tries to interject.

Ianto interrupts Owen "You should take a flax pole."

"And what if I tranq him Ianto? He drowns. You think about that?" Owen is blustering now.

Ianto throws his arms up "I'm just saying last resort."

"Again." Archie asks sarcastically "Not to be disruptive. Do we have a problem with it dying?"

"Crocodillions don't sever with their teeth, their molars are blunt." Owen is still wanting to argue with Archie. He looked pleased with himself. As if that's supposed to clear it up. Archie stares back blankly.

Then Archie asks "Is this a trick?"

"What I'm saying is if it's a Crocodillion that cut a man in half he would have to be over twenty feet which would make him well over a hundred years old, it would be unthinkable to destroy him." Owen speaks as if to a child.

Jack calls to Gwen as he ignores the arguments "Alright, let's just drop here."

Gwen lowers the anchor, as Archie just continues to stare at Owen. Ianto readies the hatchling recorder. He lowers it into the water.

"They respond pretty quick. I'll wait till you get down before I turn it on." Ianto gets ready as he smiles hesitantly at Jack.

"Good." Jack replies climbing over "See ya soon."

"Good luck."

There was a twinge of real concern in Ianto's voice. Jack makes eye contact with him. Then drops over.

Goes under.

Owen turns to Ianto as if bored already "Two years married, divorced with a daughter, used to be a lawyer, quit, I'm still waiting on his sperm count."

"What?" Ianto is confused as he stares back the starts off Owen's look "Oh as if I'm interested."

" As if." Owen agrees with a snort of amusement. He then hesitates as he's about to go overboard; to Archie "Will you miss me?"

Archie growls to Owen "I brought a pork chop, maybe we could hang it around your neck for luck."

"No ta ya tease you, but maybe later you can chew the bark off my big fat log." And Owen drops overboard.

Archie blinks at the spot for a moment and then says to Ianto "Was that like a homo-sexual remark?"

Ianto scolds in a strict tone "I asked you to be nice to him."

Archie rolls his eyes.

**.**

**.**

**.**

**.**

Jack, diving. Visibility is again pretty limited.

Owen dives through the dark black water. Visibility is lousy.

Jack dives, searches. Looks ahead, sees something... He moves closer... it's the carcass of the moose, no head.

Ianto and Archie are waiting onboard.

"He may be a kook but he's also been all over the Verse with them. He even swam in the Gravette Sector with killer Niles all around him, he never got nipped." Ianto is still trying to defuse the situation.

"And that's why he thinks they're Godly?"

"He said he knew it when he looked into their eyes." Ianto shrugs, "The eyes of a dragon."

"You like Jack?" Archie speaks plain.

Ianto is clearly thrown "What? I don't even know the guy."

"Owen thinks you like him."

"Well Owen's a giant cracker."

"You think Jack's handsome?"

"What is this?" Ianto demands as he starts to shift in the boat.

"I'm just curious. I can never tell what others think is handsome. Is he handsome?"

"Well. He's probably rugged handsome I guess. Yeah." Ianto shrugs.

A beat.

Archie squints "Am I?"

.

.

.

.

Jack and Owen, diving together. Two hours have passed and they are still checking.

The boats sit still on the dead calm water. Ianto works the radar, Archie covertly eats a Twinkie.

"It shouldn't be taking so long." Ianto mutters.

They both scan the surface. Dead calm.

.

.

.

.

Owen moves about. We can hear the hatchlings on the recorder, but he's not seeing anything.

Jack looks about. He looks up. Doesn't see much but he gets an eerie feeling. Something's out there.

**.**

**.**

**.**

**.**

Archie, Ianto, and Gwen, standing idly, scanning the calm surface.

Archie speaks into a headset "Owen, Jack, we show you with about twelve minutes of oxygen left, and you're on the last tank. Time to go home."

"That was a bust." Ianto huffs.

A beat. Another beat. Then... something jerks the boat a little.

"What was that?" Ianto gasps.

"I don't know. It was like a tug." Gwen says as she looked over the side "Something tugged us."

Upon which something really yanks the boat. So hard... Ianto flips over the back, into the water.

"Hey!" Archie yells. The boat is moving, being dragged quickly.

"Something's got the anchor line!" Gwen yells.

"Ianto!" Archie calls back.

But Ianto's alone in the water, the boat being pulled away.

Archie yells into the headset "Jack! Owen! We're being dragged!"

Then as he starts the motor he calls to Gwen "Cut the line! Cut the fucking line!"

Gwen goes to work on the anchor line as Ianto waits, treading water, in the middle of nowhere. He's completely vulnerable.

.

**.**

**.**

Owen, swimming for the surface sees him.

Ianto, treading water.

Archie panics slightly on the boat, he now has the engine running, fighting against the drag but whatever has that boat has a fucking strong hold.

"Cut the Goddamn rope!" he screams.

Gwen is working away and roars "I'm trying!"

And finally, as she severs the rope the boat almost goes airborne with a jump, Gwen nearly sails out. Archie's boat then races to Ianto.

"Hurry up!" Ianto screams. Suddenly about thirty feet away... we see fish breaking water. "Shit! Archie!"

The boat is zooming toward him. It arrives. As Archie and Gwen go to pull him aboard, we see a dark shadow rising.

"Look out!" Gwen cries with fear.

And Jack explodes out of the water, it was his shadow. Archie and Gwen pull them both aboard.

Archie glances back to Ianto "Are you alright?"

"I think. My Oxfords" Ianto moans, then "Where's Owen?!"

Ianto repeats to Jack "Where is he?"

"We went in different directions. That water is thick, you can't see through it!"

Owen is swimming toward the surface. Suddenly... a shadow looms over him. He looks up.

There is no boat. We can't see it, just a big shadowy mass.

He's scared.

Archie yells into headset "Owen! Owen, we got dragged off position, when you surface, you gotta yell."

Owen is still charging toward the surface. The lack of visibility is frightening, something could be six feet away and he wouldn't know it.

Ianto is pointing "There's bubbles over there! Look!"

Archie quickly manoeuvres the boat to where Ianto indicated, "There he is. Here he comes!"

And Archie has the boat to him as Owen breaks surface.

And they quickly pull Owen on board, all attention is on Owen as they lean over to rescue him. On the far right... two eyes... moving closer to the oblivious rescuers.

Slowly moving in, everybody is so preoccupied with Owen, Deputy Gwen, at the end of the boat, is leaning way over to see Owen. If only she knew what she's not seeing. The eyes come closer. They're now in the water right below Gwen's head.

How can she not see it?

A beat.

Another beat.

Then... suddenly, a mouth, a dragon, teeth, something, flashes from the water-snap. And Deputy Gwen's head is simply gone as her limp body hangs over the boat.

Ianto screams in horror.

In a microsecond, Gwen's head and life are both gone.


	7. splish splash

**CAMPSITE - SUNSET**

Gwen's body is being loaded into an ambulance. People move in silence, the wake of tragedy. A few Troopers are on the scene.

Archie is giving a statement "Nobody actually saw it. It happened sudden."

Ianto, staring almost blankly, as Jack, finishing a phone call, approaches. He measures his expression, he's still in shock. "You okay?"

Nothing.

"Ianto?"

"Yeah." Ianto blinks then tries to focus "Nobody saw anything?"

"No." Jack assures him, then "Territory Wildlife is on their way."

"That's probably good."

"Police want to keep it quiet, if the press gets word... lake monster. They just want us to sit tight."

Ianto is visibly undone, he appears almost to be fighting off shock. Jack puts his hands on his shoulder to steady him. "Are you okay?"

"Um... y'know..." Ianto swallows "Yeah."

Jack can see he's willing himself to be stoic.

"A woman died." Jack says softy "You don't have to be so tough."

Ianto nods, appreciatively. Part of him would love to collapse into him but a bigger part demands that he remain stoic. " I'm fine. I uh... I'm fine."

Archie, walking. Still visibly shaken. He unwittingly approaches Owen. They hold a look.

"I'm sorry." Owen says with genuine sorrow.

A beat.

"Was she a good agent?"

"Yup."

"Whenever somebody dies I consider it such a waste that I didn't know them better." Owen sighs. "We almost did it ya know."

A beat.

Archie is fighting off disbelief; shock maybe "Her head was just... bitten off."

"I used to have this recurring nightmare that I was headless." Owen imparts and Archie turns to stare at him with incredulity as Owen continues to talk quietly rattling it off "I'd be on the ground looking up at my body, no head, walking around bumping into everything. And my parents wouldn't let me in the house 'cause they'd just bought all these new antique lamps and they were afraid I'd knock them over, made sense, and meanwhile, the neighbourhood bullies would see my round little head on the ground looking like a ball, and they'd come rushing over to start up a game of soccer. I'd actually feel grateful just for being allowed into the contest, that's esteem for you, what are your thoughts?"

Archie has had enough of this guy. "You know, Owen, I'm sure you're a fine person in your own mental way. But I think it would be best if you and I didn't speak."

And Archie heads off. He takes about four steps... then SNAP.

Up goes his upside-down body like a rocket. He's stepped in Owen's spring-bow trap. A beat. He swings upside-down like a pendulum. Another beat.

"This is a bit of a setback in our relationship, right?" Owen cants his head as he grimaces.

"You don't want to cut me down." Archie hisses "'Cause I'll kill you."

.

.

..

Ianto and Jack are staring at the water.

"Hard to believe there could be a monster under such peacefulness." Ianto is wistful.

"I thought I might track the shoreline tomorrow, look for prints." Jack says.

Ianto just stares out as if he didn't hear. And Jack fixes his own stare on him. Feeling it, Ianto turns, catches him looking at him, he diverts the stare. Ianto feigns a non-reaction. A beat.

"You know they say the brain confuses fear for passion." Jack suddenly blurts.

"Excuse me?"

"When you get scared, the brain releases a chemical, same chemical it releases when somebody's..." Jack takes a beat as he looks at the blank expression on Ianto's face "in high school, the thing to do was to take the girl to a scary movie."

"What are you talking about?"

"I'm saying between the moonlight, a beautiful lake and a monster that bites heads off... you look good."

"Gee, that was so poetic, Jack. I'm all hard for you too."

"Forgive me for trying to be nice." Jack can't believe the sarcasm.

"Nice? Nice would be 'you look fuckable', nice is not some man-eating monster has tricked my brain into making you look good." Ianto spits out.

"I didn't say it like that."

" You did, you…"

"I was trying to pay you a compliment, I was guising it as science 'cause I know you're comfortable in that arena." Jack flaps his arms "Science."

"A woman just died, you're hitting on me with science."

"Just forget it." Jack snaps. Damn it all, he can't believe he fucked that up.

Owen is arriving unaware of the argument and not really caring anyway "Beg pardon? Sorry to intrude but Archie seems to have gotten himself stuck in a tree."

.

.

..

Archie hangs still, upside down, from the tree, as Owen, Ianto, and Jack approach.

"I probably could've accomplished freeing him myself but he had a look of mayhem on his upside down face." Owen explains as they arrive. Archie says nothing, he hangs there perfectly still with his arms folded like a fat angry bat.

"Archie?" Ianto says softly.

Calmly he replies "Yes."

The three exchange looks.

"Are you okay?" Ianto crouches to look into his face.

Calmly; almost sweet "Other than feeling slightly embarrassed, I'm perfectly fine."

Then…"Could you cut me down?"

"Promise you won't kill me, first." Owen demands.

Calmly Archie promises "I have no interest in even looking at you, Owen. Could you please cut me down?"

Jack gives Ianto a knife as he says "You cut, we'll hold him."

Owen and Jack grab hold, Ianto cuts, they lower him to the ground. He rises.

"Thank you." He sighs, then "I lied."

And he charges after Owen, who runs toward the beach. Archie chases, Jack and Ianto pursue, trying to stop him. And suddenly, exploding out of the woods, a ferocious charging growl. An attack. Screams all over, a half-second of confusion before we see it's a large black bear jumping out of the darkness, right at Owen. Owen dives out of its path. Screams, panic, shouting, as the bear rears up on his hind legs. Seemingly about to lunge when... exploding out of the water the giant jaws of a Crocodillion.

In a flash instant, the beast engulfs the bear, twisting it, slamming it on the ground and then pulling it into the water.

The bear fights back ferociously for a second but there can only be one outcome here. In a matter of seconds, both bear and Crocodillion have vanished.

And the water is calm again.

Owen snorts softly, "Damn. Did we get that on camera?"


	8. finally looking up

Utter catatonia. Shock. Whatever they expected to find in this expedition, they weren't remotely prepared for that. There are no words here. Shock is pre-empting every other human sensory. What they just saw... a Crocodillion head measuring five feet rise up out of the water and gobbled a fucking bear.

A beat.

Then Archie says blandly "Okay. It's a Crocodillion. I'll admit it."

A beat as they gulp air.

Ianto turns to Jack and gasps "You're cut."

There is a little blood over Jack's right eye. He dabs it.

Ianto calls back to Owen "He was an Indo-Unificapacific."

Owen is daunted "Are you sure?"

"Scales were oval." Ianto turned to face him, "It was an Alurritarian Crocodillion.

"Alurria Sector? How... how could he get here?" Archie asks with shock, that planet known for it's strict laws regarding their wildlife.

"Obviously some asshole in the Capital got it for a kid as a pet then the little fucker flushed him down a toilet." Owen surmises.

"He had to be thirty feet long." Ianto whispers like it might hear them.

"Clearly it was slightly smaller when flushed" Owen deadpans back.

Another beat.

Jack is charged as he bounces on the balls of his feet "Archie. The little cannon you brought, get it. Guard the shoreline. Otherwise, we're done. We made the I.D. our job is finished."

"Alright, Mr. Palaeontologist. I wanna know why that monster is here. You got a theory?" Archie points at the pristine water.

"Why he's that big, I don't know." Ianto shrugs "Why he's here... the wetlands are being developed, Crocodillions are moving. Amdrovillia, New Fiji, the things have started to cross solar oceans."

"But why Paradise and why alone? Crocs are social, why's this guy on the move by himself?" Jack wonders as he looks in the same direction as Ianto, for a moment both are in sync.

"Maybe he doesn't play well with others." Owes suggests with that acidic humour that has everyone turning to stare at him.

"Is everything a big fucking joke to you?" Archie barks.

Owen grabs his groin "Bite my bishop."

And Archie starts for him, but Jack intercedes grabbing Archie who roars "I'm sick of him!"

Jack soothes "C'mon."

"Let him go! I'm sick of you too, let him go." Owen sneers into Archie's face as Jack struggles to hold the large man back "Thing about being rich, Sheriff, my parents had the added luxury of being able to ditch me off at Karate school, I'm a brown belt. So go ahead. Take your best shot."

Archie throws a haymaker, decking Owen.

Lays him out.

"Archie!" Ianto admonishes.

Archie shrugs back with an angelic look of surprise "He said he knew Karate!"

"At school they'd always say 'go' first." Owen snarls as he clambers to his feet holding his nose. "It's the gentleman fucking thing to do."

Jack speaks to Archie as he releases him and pat his shoulder "Get your big gun and guard the shore, you might be able to shoot it while nobody's looking. Owen. Go to your tent."

Owen is muttering as he goes "He never said 'go' not once. Neanderthal."

Jack repeats to Archie "Get the gun."

Archie stomps off muttering as he goes "If I fall into a hole or get hoisted into a tree..."

Jack sighs and turns to Ianto as he gestures at Archie and Owen "Like little children… You okay?"

"Yeah. I got some stuff for your cut."

"I couldn't believe... did you see the size of that thing's mouth?" Jack looks again at the water, uneasy now.

"I wonder if he's some kind of mutant." Ianto mutters then wistfully asks "That bear had to be surprised."

Jack takes his arm; ushering him back "Let's get away from the shore."

Ianto looks at Jack's hand on his arm, which suddenly makes him self-conscious.

"Sorry." Jack says as he withdraws it, seeing a mild panic at the touch.

"It's okay." Ianto smiles and they hold a look. "I don't mind the warmth."

Jack gently pulls Ianto close and they walk like drunkards towards Ianto's tent.

.

.

.

.

We are at a small clearing on the other side of the lake. A four-wheel-drive of some sort is bumping down a fairly impassable dirt road into the clearing.

"Told you I could make it."

As the jeep comes more into view, we revel its occupants to be six teenagers, including Chrys, and Swayne, Howie, Danny, Mary, Ellen. They've been drinking but they're not sloppy drunk. As they climb out, Swayne points to a swing rope which extends from the branch of a tree that overhangs the water.

"There it is."

Howie is stripping off "Last one in's a dead man.

Could be more like first one in. The teenagers begin to strip off their clothes.

.

.

.

.

Ianto is butterflying Jack's wound, necessarily working very close to him.

"Ow. Shit."

"Just gotta pull it a little tighter."Ianto mutters as he tries to hold Jack's head still.

"Who taught you to be a nurse?"

"Father's a Master Tailor. I can even stitch in a pinch, wouldn't be a bad idea here." Ianto frowns as he leans closer and Jack can smell him, gods he smells edible.

"No thanks." Jack manages to say, "Fast healer, me."

"Keep it dry. No swimming." Ianto says then leans closer still, blowing on it without thinking as he does for his sister's kids. Jack looks at the shirt, top two buttons undone and he can see the slight promise of chest hair.

He chokes a dry "Thank you."

They hold a look. Then Jack realises something "You're having the best time of your life, aren't you?"

Ianto looks caught "What? Why... people have been killed, I hardly think I'm having a good time, why would... Does it show?"

Jack nods slightly.

"This is the first time I've actually... y'know been in the middle of anything. I've never really even gotten dirty before, with me showers have always been preventative." Ianto admits. Their eyes are locked now, making him self-conscious and nervous.

"That's why you're here. To get in the middle of something?" Jack asks.

"Maybe. I've always read about what's happened. I've never... I know it sounds silly but, it's nice to be someplace while something is actually... y'know... happening." Ianto answers and they make eye contact. Something is happening right now. A beat. "We should probably go to bed…Get rest, get some rest. Go to our separate beds, get some rest."

The Freudian slip of the tongue. They hold another look. Then Jack starts to exit. He stops at the door, turns back. "Thanks for the... Band-Aid."

"Night." Ianto wished there were some way to make him stay.

Jack holds another look, then leaves. Ianto curses punishing himself for both the slip of the tongue and for cutting the moment short.

Then Jack turns at his own tent and flashes a smile, then ducks inside and Ianto feels a flush of heat.

Promise there.


	9. peekaboo

**LAKE (WESTSIDE) - NIGHT**

The teenagers are now skinny-dipping, having a grand ol' flirtatious time. As they splash and frolic and cop their feels. About fifty yards away two eyes pop above the surface... followed by the snout.

Six fresh delicious teenagers. Midnight buffet.

The croc slowly starts to move.

The teenagers start to take turns, swinging on a rope from a branch which overhangs the shoreline. As they laugh and yell, Danny swings on a long rope... landing with a splash. About ten feet from the croc, waiting stealth-like, his eyes barely above surface. He could easily go for Danny... but he somehow knows the service will get better. As Danny swims back to shore, Chrys takes hold of the rope.

"Here I come. Ready or not." Chrys calls and she swings away... a better swing than Danny's... and she splashes down about five feet from the eyes. Again, the eyes don't move. The teenagers cheer Chrys' record-setting swing as Swayne takes hold of the rope.

"All or nothing, Swayne." Howie yells to his mate.

"From the jaws of defeat..." Swayne says in a silly voice and he flies away. It's a leap to die for. As he splashes down... gulp. Like a seal grabbing a fish... and Swayne has vanished. The kids, cheering at the leap, stop cheering when Swayne fails to resurface. A beat. They first think he's playing a joke.

"Ha ha." Howie drawls sarcastically.

Another beat. Still no sign of Swayne.

"Swayne?" Chrys calls as she treads water "This isn't funny, Swayne."

And now they're concerned. They all move down toward the shore.

"Swayne?" Howie is worried now.

Danny yells "C'mon, Swayne."

And now they're starting to panic.

"Where is he?" Chrys is starting to panic now as she looks around with wide eyes.

Danny is yelling angrily "This isn't funny!"

Suddenly- thrusting up out of the water. The Crocodillion, Swayne in its jaws.

Bloodcurdling screams from all.

.

.

.

..

Owen and Archie both hear the screams of the teenagers.

"What's that?" Owen rises to brush his pants and look around.

Archie squints "It came from across the lake."

.

.

.

.

Archie, Jack, and Deputy Sato are in the boat, zooming towards the teenagers.

Jack shouts to Archie "You said nobody came in here!"

"Obviously I was wrong!"

.

.

.

.

Owen and Ianto are flying toward the area, the search beams are on.

**.**

**.**

**.**

**.**

"He just took him in his jaws." Chrys sobs as she hugs herself. The teenagers have some or most of their clothes back on. Owen's chopper is hovering over the area, its beams lighting the water. Lying on the beach, covered... is Swayne. Alive. And basically unhurt!

"He was in his mouth?!" Archie asks with horror.

"Yes." She sobs.

Jack is stunned; to Swayne "You're okay?"

Swayne is in shock as he blinks "I think; just cuts."

"The thing just came up out of the water and kind of spit him at us." Danny is pulling on a shoe, hopping about.

"You should have signs posted, for God's sake!" Chrys bursts as shock becomes anger,

"You're really okay?" Jack frowns as he examines the boy.

Swayne nods. Then "I might need a Tetanus."

Archie and Jack exchange a look of disbelief.

**.**

**.**

**.**

**.**

Owen, Archie, Jack, and Ianto, looking tired, trek toward their tents.

"Just spit him back out." Owen is almost dreamlike in his disbelief "Some shall live, some shall die, arbitrarily, sound like any higher power we know?"

"He didn't eat the kid cause he'd just swallowed a bear." Archie huffs with open annoyance.

"Sobek. Half man, half croc, oldest God…" Owen is starting to rant and Archie slaps a hand on his chest to silence him.

"I'm tired, Owen. I know this because you're beginning to not bug me." He informs him calmly.

"That sounds good but underneath it's hurtful." Owen replies then asks "Nightcap?"

"Raincheck."

They're growing on each other. Jack and Ianto exchange a smile. Owen and Archie are developing an odd kinship almost. They continue on as Jack and Ianto stop at Ianto's tent.

"Well. Goodnight." Jack smiles.

"We seem to say goodnight a lot."

"We could not say it and..." Jack begins but then is suddenly a coward "Well, that thing is ambulatory if you want somebody in your tent to..."

"Night." Ianto whisperers, a hand hesitating before it touches Jack, resting on his chest for a moment like a blessing as even after it is gone he feels the warmth from it.

Jack holds another look. Ianto goes into his tent. He stands there. A beat. Waits to see if he calls him back. He doesn't. He then heads off. Ianto's head pops out. Watches him go. Almost calls after him.

Doesn't.

**.**

**.**

**.**

**.**

We see the campsite, looking at it from the water. All is still. After a beat. An eye blink. We are not looking at the campsite. We are an eye, reflecting the campsite.

Another blink.

Still another. .

.

.

.

.

.

**LAKE - SUNRISE**

Owen and Deputy Sato, inside the chopper, lifting of, to begin an early morning search.

**.**

**.**

**.**

**DIFFERENT PART OF THE LAKE - SUNRISE**

Ianto, Jack, and Archie, searching for tracks along the wooded shoreline, staying a good six feet from the actual shore. Their senses are very heightened. Archie has his cannon gun.

"Get back from the shore. We know how fast he can leap out." Jack warns.

Archie glances at him "We shouldn't even really be doing this."

"They won't be here till at least noon. We got a few hours to kill." Jack glances over the lake.

"So does he." Archie mutters.

Ianto obsessing as he scanned the ground around him "I'm gonna get ticks. I know it. They're drawn to me. I got a thing about ticks."

Jack quickly hisses "Ssssh!"

"What?" Ianto freezes.

"I heard something." He's staring at a brush thicket. After a beat, a slight rustle. The guns go up quickly. A beat. Nothing. Jack bends down, picks up a stone. Tosses it into the thicket. And out it charges. Ianto screams, they're all about to fire before they realize it's only a beaver. It scurries into the water.

Ianto is trying to gather himself as he mutters under his breath "Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit."

Suddenly Archie points "Look."

A Giant paw print embedded in the mud. It must be two feet in diameter.

Jack calls to Archie "Guard the water."

Ianto and Jack go quickly to examine the print.

"That's pretty big." Jack says with concern.

**.**

**.**

**.**

**.**

The chopper is descending. Owen and Toshiko Sato are inside.

"It seems like we're getting lower." Toshiko says with alarm.

"It happens when I land."

"Why are we landing?" Tosh turns to gape at him.

"Well 'Cause this is the cove he obviously lives in."

Tosh is alarmed now "So why are we landing?...Owen?"

**.**

**.**

**.**

**.**

Ianto and Jack are still working on the footprint. Physical proximity, which they're both a little distracted by.

"Think we can lift it?" Ianto wonders.

"Maybe." Jack mutters "Don't mush it."

Ianto is annoyed "I'm not mushing it."

" You're mushing it a little around the…"-

"I'm not mushing it." Ianto snaps.

Suddenly another beaver scurries out from underfoot, scaring all of them, but particularly Ianto who jumps. His foot lands on a long extended branch, and even more suddenly Gwen's severed head seesaws out of the shallow water, hitting him in the shin.

Ianto screams as they all jump back.


	10. Officer Fuckmeat

...and another chap today coz I know you all want to know about her head...

.

.

.

10

They just stare, as Ianto continues to scream.

"Okay. Okay. Okay." Jack embraces Ianto, trying to calm him as he continues to rampage with disgust.

"That is it!" Ianto roars.

"Really…" Jack soothes.

"No. I keep getting hit with heads!" Ianto whines, pointing at the remains.

Jack is holding his shoulders "Calm down."

"You calm down!"

"Calm down."

Ianto takes a couple of calming breaths then snarls "I'm being very calm. I'm composed. This is the second time I've been hit with a severed head, I'm entitled to complain."

"Is that uh..." Archie peers at the head.

"I can't recognize her from the back. It looks like her." Archie takes a stick. Squeamish, he tentatively pokes the head, trying to turn it over. "It is Gwen."

Archie leans in for a closer look.

"That's her….What the...?" Something appears to be in her mouth. Archie takes a small twig, pries back a cheek... the mouth is full of worms. **"** Now I'm gonna puke."

Jack is seeing something along the bank "You gotta be kidding."

"What?" Ianto asked turning to look in the same direction. Neither man steps back as they continue to embrace one another.

Pointing, Jack snorts "Look."

About a hundred yards north, Mrs. Estelle is leading a blindfolded cow to the water.

Ianto raises his binoculars. So does Jack.

"What is she doing now?" Ianto asks, then gapes "Mother of God."

"What?" Archie is straining to see as well.

"Look ten feet into the water." Ianto advises.

There waiting... mouth fully open... is the fucking Crocodillion.

Ianto, Jack, and Archie, lower their scopes. They look at each other, then back at the foregoing.

Mrs. Estelle, singing "Itsy Bitsy Spider" is happily leading the blinded cow to the shore. The cow, tentative, just allows itself to be led, not knowing what the plan is. As Mrs. Estelle gets to the water, she looks out to the croc.

"Come and get it."

And with that, she whips the hind of the cow causing it to jump forward. Almost simultaneously, the croc makes its charge and the cow is dead before it has a clue.

The three men are utterly agape. After a long beat:

"Well" Owen sighs "That's interesting."

.

.

.

.

.

Archie, Ianto, and Jack are questioning a slightly hostile Mrs. Estelle.

She is indignant as she snorts "I haven't broken any laws."

Archie leans in, bordering on condescension "Oh, but you have, Ma'am. You lied to us, that could be obstruction of justice. A man's been killed in part 'cause of your silence, I could make out a charge of reckless endangerment and I'm sure PETA would be annoyed at how you treat your cows."

"The reason I lied is if I'd told you the truth, you'd just hunt it down and kill it which seems to be exactly what you're doing." She huffs.

"How long have you been feeding this thing?" Ianto asked with interest and Estelle beams as she turns to the lovely young man who knows how to be polite.

"About six years. He first appeared in May of ninety-one. Bernie was out fishing and it followed him home. So we threw him some scraps and well... he didn't seem to bother anybody. He became kind of like a pet who lived in the wild." She smiles as she pats the slender hand on the table.

"He just appeared." Jack repeats with disbelief "You have no idea how he arrived in this lake?"

"No. Do you?"

"Ma'am. Your husband, Bernie. You didn't, by any chance, lead him to the lake blindfolded?" Archie frowns as he asks.

"No, I did not." She is offended "The Crocodillion did kill him, though. But it was all... it was a mistake."

"A mistake?" Ianto asks gently, drawing her back to a pleasant conversation. "What happened love?"

"One of our horses got loose two years ago, went to the lake to drink and... well the Crocodillion

started coming in, Bernie went to intercede and... it was all a terrible misunderstanding." She explains happily as Ianto nods, "If I reported it, they would've sent people to kill it."

Archie, Ianto and Jack can't quite believe what they're hearing.

"Ma'am, how could you not report this? He puts human life at risk and…" Archie splutters.

"Nobody lives on this lake. it's really his lake now."

**.**

**.**

**.**

**.**

**.**

The chopper, free-floating, is drifting near a small cove. Owen, in diving gear, is about to go into the water, as Tosh tries to dissuade.

She is getting panicked "C'mon Owen. I know you're crazy but you can't…"

"I need to see his habitat." Owen barks imperiously as he drops in.

"Please." Tosh begs "I'll have sex with you, anything, but get out of the water."

"He's not gonna hurt me." Owen snorts, then looks at her again, "You would have sex with me? Really? Maybe later toots?"

**.**

**..**

**.**

**.**

**.**

**.**

Ianto, Jack and Archie are still with Estelle.

"Murders and rapes in the cities." She sighed "People bomb planes... can the police stop them? No. But feed one little cow to a Crocodillion..."

"You're to wait right here until the police show, you're under full house arrest." Archie splutters as she rears back in her chair to glare at him.

"Thank you, Officer Fuckmeat." She spits out.

Toshiko's voice comes through walkie-talkie "Archie! We got a problem with Owen."

Archie roars into walkie-talkie "What problem?"

"He went swimming."

**.**

**.**

**.**

**.**

Owen is underwater, exploring.

Tosh is looking for him. Her radar is up, she heard something. But she doesn't see anything. She scans the surface closely.

The water is slightly more visible as Owen swims. Other than the odd school of fish, an otter, a snapping turtle... nothing extraordinary. Then, a flash shadow looms over him. He looks up, but sees nothing. Probably just the sun ducking under a cloud. It does make him sufficiently nervous, however, to head for the surface. He swims upward.

Owen breaks the top. Lifts his mask, looks toward the chopper, which he sees about forty yards out. He continues to breaststroke on the surface. Suddenly... the croc's head rises up right behind Owen, who's oblivious. He continues to swim. The croc follows. Then... maybe divine intuition... Owen gets a feeling he's being followed. He then turns to look the other way, upon which his face goes rigid.

About three feet from his nose... are two giant eyes staring at him.

Owen is ashen as he whispers weakly "Oh... my."

The croc doesn't move. It just stares at him. Then end of his snout is almost touching Owen. Owen himself doesn't dare move, for fear of spooking the croc into action. We get the idea that looking into the eyes of this Crocodillion is not filling any spiritual voids.

A beat.

"I suddenly feel a bit foolish." Owen tells the creature as he treads water "You're different from the others."

The croc raises his head now to reveal the snout. And his deadly smile. Owen just tries to tread water with as little motion as possible. He deathly fears a quick movement will cause his life to be over. Perhaps this is what he came for.

To be judged by this symbol of mythology.

He back swims ever so slightly. The croc pursues just as slowly, their eyes are locked. He could snap off Owen's head in an instant.

Owen is terrified; trying to convince himself that he is going to be fine if he maintains the eye contact "Holy spirit of Sobek. Holy ghost. Holy shit."

He resists the urge to pee.


	11. please?

Toshiko still scans the water's surface, looking for any sign of Owen. And her face freezes. Oh yes, there's the sign. "Twat"

Owen continues to back swim slowly to the plane and the croc slowly follows.

"Owen!" she hisses as she slides to the float of the chopper.

We can hear the quaking fear in Owen's voice. As he continues to slowly back swim talking to Toshiko; forced calm "Just turn the ignition, it's fuel injected."

Toshiko clambers into the pilot seat and turns the ignition, the engine kicks and dies "Come on."

She turns it again and the engine turns over.

The Crocodillion is still right with him as they inch closer and closer toward the chopper.

"I know under the circumstances, biting off my head might seem viable. It would cheapen you." Owen jokes but nothing's funny about this to Owen now. What he's staring into is death. His own. Toshiko raises her rifle.

"I might get a shot." Tosh calls out.

Owen replies with fear in his voice "No. If you don't kill him instantly, I'm dead and you'll only kill him instantly if you get his brain, which is about the size of a cherry. And even if you were on target, a bullet might not penetrate his hide."

"Jesus." Tosh whimpers. "About twelve more yards. Keep coming just like that."

Owen is craning to see how far away he is and as soon as he breaks eye contact with the Crocodillion it growls, Owen quickly locks eyes with him again.

Tosh weakly moans "Oh my God."

By now Owen is almost to the chopper, the croc is right there too. Owen's right hand then goes slowly for his belt though it's impossible to discern why. The Crocodillion seems poised to finish him.

There's a slight GROWL...And then suddenly, a small underwater POP, followed by an explosion out of the water. It's an inflatable life vest and as it pop tarts out of the water, the croc lunges for it.

As the croc goes for the vest, Owen makes his dash for the chopper. In almost an instant, he's climbing on board as the croc pulls the vest into darkness underwater.

Owen's up on the chopper's ski clambering into the cockpit "Move over!"

The Crocodillion's head comes thrusting up, its massive jaws snapping shut, missing Owen by an inch, maybe two. Owen dives into the chopper, screaming.

"Go!" Toshiko barks as she revs the chopper. The croc comes up again, chomping down on one of the landing skis. Both Toshiko and Owen scream as the whole helicopter is jerked mightily.

Toshiko is screaming now "Go!"

"I'm trying!" Owen screams back.

The croc releases and the chopper rights itself and begins to thrust off, when the croc surfaces again, mouth open. Toshiko fires her revolver. It might as well shoot BB's. The croc is undaunted but he does miss the ski and by now the chopper is up and running, finally safely out of the reptile's reach.

.

.

.

.

.

Jack is nearly manhandling Owen, pulling him by the elbow towards his tent. Ianto and Archie are there too.

Jack is livid as he snarls "This time, I'm gonna kick your ass."

"Bastard bit my chopper." Owen snarks looking back at it with annoyance.

"Hey!" Jack simply grabs his arm and squeezes a pressure point. Owen yelps in pain. "You wanna kill yourself, that it, you looking to commit some kind of divine suicide?"

"Alright, Jack!" Ianto soothes, trying to break his hold.

"No!" Jack shakes him loose and turns back to Owen "You might think they're Godly, you might get some spiritual lift backstrokin' with dragons but you just put a deputy at risk and…"

Owen shouts back "Let's not overlook he didn't eat me, maybe…"

"That's 'Cause he just ate a cow, you stupid…"

"Jack!" Ianto barks with anger now.

"Hey, not nice. Gwen was a bit snarky at times….clingy but I would not call her that…" Owen grins "I'm a civilian! You don't have any authority-

"I can arrest you!" Archie warns.

"Then do it!" Owen taunts.

"You probably do want to be killed by it, that was you trying to meet your maker." Archie surmises.

"So profound…" Owen says to Archie "….. and fat."

Owen, feelings hurt, stomps off again. Ianto looks at Jack.

Then Ianto follows Owen.

Owen enters his tent, sits. A beat. Ianto enters, goes to sit next to him.

"Did you want to be killed by it?" Ianto asks softly.

"You think I'm that nuts?" Owen gapes.

"Owen" Ianto replies softly "What you just did... there was at least some sort of a death wish going on."

"Nothing's real."

"Excuse me?" Ianto blinks.

"Nothing's real." Owen repeats, his anger escalating.

"I'm rich, people are only pretending to be my friends, sycophants ooze out like oil slicks and ….and ….and…" He's sounding erratic. "With Crocodillions... everything's even."

Ianto places a hand in his knee "I'm no psychiatrist. But I would think there have to be better places to look for autonomy, than…"

Owen is pained "I'm an empty man, Ianto, wealth has robbed me of the dream in life, I sit here broken, a hollow sack…"

"Oh, bullshit." Ianto snorts.

And Owen drops the act. "Didn't even sound good?"

"No."

Owen shrugs as it had been worth a try "Eh. Fuck it."

"Can I tell them you won't go back in the water?" Ianto asks.

"Yes. You may. But maybe... I don't know..." He has trouble saying it.

"What?"

"Could we have intercourse?"

Ianto just whacks him. Then exits.

Owen sighs, "worth a shot",

…

.

.

.

.

**CAMPSITE - DAY**

Jack and Archie are there to meet Ianto.

Just heard from Wildlife and New Florida Fish And Game." Jack calls out as they get closer to one another "They should be here by four."

"Okay."

"We might as well pack." Jack suggests.

"Good idea."

"They'll kill him."

They turn to see, Owen is standing there. "They're not going to be able to snag him in pitmans. Tranq him in water, he drowns."

"They could try to tranq him on land." Ianto asks.

Owen snorts knowing the rules "They won't. He's taken human life, the mission will be to put him down."

"Gee, that would really disappoint me." Archie snarks.

"Forget about him being God, he's thirty feet long, he is a miracle to Paradise" Owen gushes "This is a grand beast. A grand dragon. An attempt should at least be made to capture him alive."

"Well, you can try talking them into that, if…"

"I have enough flaxedil with me to put him out. And I think I know a way to…" Owen gets excited.

"Forget it." Archie frowns.

"Look. I know I'm crazy, but when they come, they will kill it. They have to, politically, he's too dangerous, if something were to go wrong... the odds are he will be destroyed,…"

"Which is exactly what..." Archie interrupts.

"Please, Archie, let me finish I'm having a sane moment, this is a window." Owen holds up a hand for silence as he speaks "If he were neutralized when they got here... they might consider saving him."

"And how would we neutralize him?" Ianto asks

"We lure him on land and pump him with the drugs." Owen replies with hope.

"No way." Jack huffs.

"Jack. We've all seen it. He's probably a hundred and fifty years old, he's bigger than an elephant." Owen begs. Owen's impassioned here, he's not fooling around.

"So maybe Wildlife will try to save him, they're more equipped to…" Jack offers and Owen sighs.

"We both know what they'll do." Owen says flatly.

Silence. Admission by silence. Then Jack says "Even if we could tranq him—how would we get him on land."

"Other than to eat us?" Archie adds helpingly.

"He follows anything that moves. You guys can be in the trucks with tranq guns. If he charges, drive off, plus Archie you've got your hand-held cannon. We could do this with no safety risk. If it works, we save a beast that should be saved." Owen implores them.

A beat. They are sympathetic to the idea.

"And again." Jack finally says "How would you get him on land?"

Owen grins as even Ianto starts to sag "That's actually the easy part."


	12. tea bag to donuts

**ESTELLE'S HOUSE - AN HOUR LATER**

Estelle yells to Archie over the sound of the chopper "I'll sue you."

"Go ahead." Archie shrugs.

And up goes Owen's chopper. And... connected to a long cable... a cow. An airborne cow, dangling from the chopper.

Estelle turns to Jack "You can't take a cow by eminent domain."

"We won't let him get hurt, Ma'am."

"You're all fuckers. Vicious little fuckers." She pits on the ground to show her anger.

Jack turns to Ianto. "Are we crazy?"

"Well..." Ianto pulls a face as he considers.

"We've got a cow hanging from a helicopter." Jack points out.

He shrugs.

"Let's get back to camp." Archie sighs.

**.**

**.**

**.**

**.**

Owen pilots the chopper as he speaks to Toshiko who is clutching her seat with a grimace "Not much drag. As long as I can keep him from swinging, we're okay."

Owen's chopper is flying the befuddled animal toward the cove.

Archie, Ianto, and Jack are on the water below cruising back to camp. Archie has his gun.

**.**

**.**

**.**

**.**

Half an hour later and two pickup trucks have been backed in for a shooting vantage.

Ianto, Jack, Archie. Riflemen are waiting with tranq guns.

Jack speaksinto a headset "Keep enough tension to hold him up, Owen, we don't know if he can swim."

Owen snorts through his headset "Right."

"The more he thrashes, the better." Jack says as he watches with one hand to shield from the sunlight.

Owen yells through headset "You ready on shore?"

"We're ready" Jack grins.

The chopper lowers the cow. He starts to kick his legs in anticipation.

"If he tires, lift him out." Jack advices.

And the cow goes into the water. He swims frantically a few meters. The chopper lifts him out briefly.

"It can't work." Jack sighs.

"He has been going after everything. It could work." Ianto replies then sighs "But this is not a happy cow."

"He looks like a giant tea bag."

**..**

**.**

**.AN HOUR LATER**

The cow has been dipped more times than a stale donut now and he just hangs there like pasta. Jack, Archie, and Ianto are poised with tranq guns on the beach.

Jack is looking through binoculars "He doesn't seem to be swimming. Is he swimming?"

looking through binoculars Ianto answers "He's floating. Take it home."

Jack talks into the headset "Owen.

"Hold on!" Owen answers "I got something on the screen."

"You do?"

"There's a mass... moving toward the cow." Owen is getting excited "He's coming."

Jack is yelling into walkie-talkie; now adrenalized as he runs for the bank "Where? Where?"

"Thirty meters or so. Moving slow, but straight toward my Moo-Moo." Owen chortles with glee.

"Can you confirm visually or just radar?" Jack demands, stopping to look around now.

"Radar, he's underwater." Owen answers watching Jack race back and forth like a fucktard "But he's definitely coming."

"Okay. Lead him in." Jack turns to the others; barking "Okay, everybody up on the trucks. We aim for the stomach or side... there's little chance the darts will pierce his hide. Everybody up on the trucks."

They move into position.

Owen is charged as he screams "On our way. There, he's surfacing, there's the snout. You little sucker."

Sure enough... that giant snout breaks the surface. Ever so calmly... it moves toward the cow.

Ianto speaks into walkie-talkie with genuine concern from his vantage point "If he gets close, you go up, Owen, don't you endanger that cow."

"he's worried about the cow now." Owen laughs to himself, Tosh silent as she looks down at the dart in the water below.

Owen speaks through walkie-talkie "He's following. Here we come."

Jack calls to Owen over the talkie "Nice and slow."

Owen's chopper, cow dangling, is slowly approaching the shore. Behind it... the snout and eyes of a giant croc. Back on the shore, Archie's men ready themselves for action. Tranq guns. rifles... the team is mobilized. We hear a distressed cry from the cow.

"He's mooing." Ianto cries out with concern.

"You wouldn't?" Jack asks calmly.

"They're coming right in." Archie is less sure now, stepping back in the tray of the truck to grip the cab.

"Such a simple idea and it's working. What does that tell you?" Ianto asks where he is sitting on the cab beside Archie, his vantage point perfect and ready to slide into the cab and run if they have to.

Archie looked at him and knows his intent, agreeing "That it's about to go wrong."

"Almost here, Owen. Don't forget to lift up the cow." Jack informs Owen who peers out the window of the chopper at him.

Owen's reply sarcastic, through walkie talkie "Thank you, Jack."

Jack turns to the team "You shoot on my order. If he charges, I'll be yelling "go" which means drivers take off. And drive fast, they can move on land."

"You set?" Jack asks Archie as he glances quickly at Ianto as well.

"Don't worry about me." Archie huffs. "Incredibly... the plan is working. A giant dragon is following a dangled suspended cow to the shoreline."

Owen dangles the cow closer, they're now nearing shore. The big Crocodillion, eyes on the prize, is moving in for the flank steak. The time is now.

"Little closer. Three, two, one..." Jack says, then The Crocodillion then suddenly thrusts up after the cow, snapping at air. Owen pulls up with the chopper. "Fire!"

They pump the beast with tranq darts. But Owen has taken his chopper up too fast, causing the cow to swing like a pendulum. It rocks the chopper.

"Oh, shit." Owen cries. The chopper is in trouble. The cow sways, the helicopter struggles to stay airborne.

Ianto is screaming with horror as he watches his friends "Watch out!"

"Keep firing!" Jack orders as he watches helplessly. The men continue to pump the beast with tranquilizing darts.

Owen's having trouble righting his chopper."Motherfucker."

Suddenly the croc goes up and grabs the dangling cow, snapping off the cable.

"Shit!" Jack gapes.

And down comes to the chopper, Owen cannot control it. It crashes into the lake.

"Owen!" Ianto screams as he begins to slither off the cab.

Jack barks to Archie "Take him."

"I can't." Archie yells "I'll get Owen and Toshiko!"

"We gotta get to Owen and Tosh!" Ianto yells as he slip-slides in the mud, rushing over.

Owen pops his head out of the overturned chopper. He looks around. Toshiko appears beside him.

"Where is he?" Owen calls out with fear, pulling Toshiko in.

Jack calls to the Deputies "Tranq guns down, rifles up!"

The men switch guns, and Jack is yelling to Owen "Do not go in that water!"

As the pick-up backs closer to the shore Jack says softly to Archie "If you get a safe shot..."

"I'll take it!" Archie nods.

" Owen." Jack roars, "Do not move. You keep Toshiko safe."

The water is calm again. A beat.

Owen whispers to Toshiko "You see anything?"

"Nothing." Toshiko scans the water around them "Maybe he swam out."

Upon which the croc comes thrusting up out of the water charging the truck. Screams.

"Go! Drive!" Jack slams his hand on the cab as he hooks Ianto with the other one to pull them both flush and bracing against the cab on the running board. The pick-up spins dirt, lurches forward, throwing Archie off balance. The croc heads back for the water as Archie regains his balance.

"Take him!" Jack yells.

And Archie blasts. It detonates the ground near the croc causing him to surge airborne into the water. And he goes under. Silence. A beat.

"Did you get him?" Ianto pants, his arms around Jack as he peers form his chest and Jack is still holding him tightly not caring if they have now stopped or not.

"I don't know." Archie replies then calls to the Driver "Back the truck…"

"No!" everyone screams and the truck halts again.

"Owen, you see anything?" Jack calls across the water.

Owen is on the pontoon of his chopper with Toshiko. He's looking about, studying the water. "No!

Archie gives a sarcastic response "I just have this feeling everything's totally safe."

Owen is yelling "I see blood. Maybe you got him, Archie."

And as Owen looks further. Behind him... up surfaces the Crocodillion in all his stealth. His head is two feet from Owen and nobody knows it. Least of all Owen.

"I can't see him, but this is definitely blood. Maybe you got him." Owen grins and as he turns back, he sees it. The croc comes up as Owen screams, jumps off.

Screams.

Toshiko looks at him incredulously then at the Croc, with a groan she follows Owen in.


	13. traps and design

Archie leaps off the truck and charges into the shallow water with his gun, looking to give Owen some cover.

Owen then resurfaces swimming to his bobbing chopper. He climbs in. He pulls Toshiko back out of the water and they again scan the water for the beast, one pontoon now completely destroyed.

"Where is he?!" Archie calls out.

"I don't know!" Owen screams with anger, reaching into the cockpit for a blanket he offers Toshiko with a look of shame.

No sooner said than the croc comes launching up. As he springs toward the open chopper cabin, Owen, leaps out on the other side with Toshiko helping pull him out of the way of those jaws. The croc's head comes crashing clear through the cabin and he becomes wedged. The Crocodillion is stuck, he protrudes right through the chopper. He's not completely immobilized but wherever he goes now, the helicopter is going with him.

"Owen!" Archie screams "Tosh, get out of there. Let the fucker ear him."

But now Jack has joined, rifle in hand. Owen surfaces again, swimming for shore with Toshiko. Jack runs to help them onto land.

Archie is now taking aim "Alright. Game over."

But the croc looks feeble now. He lets out this death rattle and even Archie hesitates to pull the trigger. He glances at Ianto "Should I?"

"Wait." Ianto says with wonder.

The croc, unable to dive, is now thrashing toward the beach. But there's no rage in his behaviour now. He seems desperate. He's taken some bullets, he's tired, he's wedged inside a two ton piece of metal and he's exhausted.

Ianto looks relieved as he turns to the others "I think the drugs are kicking in."

Breathing heavily, the creature lumbers into the shallow water, unable to free himself from the mangled wreckage. As unbelievable as that cow looked dangling from this very chopper, the sight is even more astonishing, if not preposterous, now. A thirty foot exhausted Crocodillion is wearing the broken helicopter. And he just cannot go on anymore.

Ianto, Owen, Jack, Archie, stare back. They approach with caution. They all stare at the tired Crocodillion.

He's now looking back. Bleeding, gasping... beaten. In his eyes... we can see it. The beast is beaten.

The men stare back. There's no triumph. In their eyes... sadness.

Then Jack frowns "I don't think we really want to wait for him to catch his breath."

It continues to breathe heavily.

"He's through fighting. Look at him." Ianto implores.

"I don't care. Archie. End it."

Archie raises his cannon.

"No. Look. He's got nothing left." Owen sighs sadly.

"Yeah and every time we think there's no more danger…" Archie argues upon which, a twenty footer, another croc, thrusts up out of the water, seizing Owen.

Screams.

It death rolls Owen, flings him out of his mouth and in seconds, he's coming up for more.

Tosh grabs Archie's gun and blasts away as she drops calmly onto the ground taking a knee.

A direct hit.

It takes the smaller croc's head right off sending it sailing into the air. It splashes down, the first head not to hit Ianto.

They all then go for Owen, pulling him to shore. He's bleeding. "I'm okay."

"You're not okay, your leg's a mess." Ianto snaps as he helps pull.

"Get him onto shore." Jack pants.

Toshiko is there beside him with a hand on his chest to soothe "He heeds a tourniquet."

Archie quickly peels off his shirt. Gives it to Ianto, who goes to work.

"You're gonna be okay." Ianto pants as he binds the leg, Owen looking up at the beautiful woman staring down.

"Guess I finally got bit." Owen says dreamily as he stares into Toshiko's eyes, "Dragons exist. Hi there."

"Yeah, you got bit." Ianto snorts "I'm gonna fix it."

A sudden ROAR. Ianto screams as Jack and Archie wheel to see...the big croc. Maybe his final roar, he looks weak. Gasping in the crashed chopper. Jack and Archie approach.

Archie whispers quietly … re the big croc not Owen "He's done. He's dying."

"Don't count on it." Jack huffs then sighs "We better take him out."

But something about this Crocodillion... his eyes looking back at them... nobody wants to take him out.

A beat.

Owen give a quiet suggestion "Flax him under his tail. Two hundred cc's. Under the tail, that'll put him to sleep."

Upon which we hear the sound of Transporters. Universal Fish And Game, U.P. Wildlife, arriving on the scene.

"Thank God." Archie slumps. Not their problem now.

Officer Coulson, United Planet Wildlife emerges, approaches. Stares with utter disbelief.

"We need to get it some medical help here" Ianto yells with anger, then points at Owen "And him too."

By now the International army has moved in. They all stare with the same suspended disbelief.

Archie is explaining with his chest puffed out as he points happily "We trapped him with our chopper."

**.**

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**AN HOUR LATER**

A crew, including vets, are working on the sedated croc, trying to free it from the wreckage. Medics are with Owen, on a stretcher. Jack, Ianto, and Archie are there. Toshiko holds his hand and lovingly clings to him.

"We're gonna airvac him to the hospital." One yells over the sound of the engines firing up on the Transporter.

"Okay." Ianto replies, then turns to Owen "That's where they're taking the croc too, Owen, they've got some big tank there."

"He's gonna live?" Owen's face lights up with glee.

"Yeah. Thanks to you." Ianto smiles.

"And Archie." Owen calls to Archie "I know you weren't really trying to hit him."

Archie gently pats his arm as he agrees "I was aiming for you."

Owen smiles. "Thanks for the rescue."

Jack leans down. "You take care."

"You talk to Estelle?"

"She didn't tell us about the other croc 'cause she was afraid we'd blow it's head off." Jack sniggers as Owen rolls his eyes.

"Women's intuition. Are there anymore?"

"Just those two."

"We gotta take him." The medic says as the transporter hovers a foot off the ground.

"Okay."

"We got room for one more." The medic says as Toshiko and Owen start up the ramp.

"Well... I got stuff to pack up and..."Jack looks to Ianto, but before he can say anything Archie replies and the relief on Jack's face is telling.

"I'll bloody go."

Owen smiles. The Paramedics board Owen and Tosh. Archie turns to Jack. "Thanks for your help."

"You too."

Handshake. Respect.

That's about as much affection as you get from Archie. He then extends his hand to Ianto.

"I'm sure this would offend you on principal but... could we keep in touch?" Ianto asks.

"I guess."

And he kisses him on the cheek. Archie fights off his blush, boards the chopper. As it then lifts up, Ianto turns to Jack. "Well..."

"You wanna ride in my truck?"

Ianto knows his blush covers most of his body as he looks coyly at Jack through his lashes and Jack holds out his hand.

"Dinner and a movie Mister Jones?"

"Are you…are you asking me out on a date?"

"Is that a yes?"

Ianto seems to think about it then grin.

"Yes…yes…well….OK. Gosh. No sushi. I got a thing about sushi"

Jack roars with mirth as he pulls him on and finally gets that kiss he's been needing.

.

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**BEACH - DUSK**

The tents are down, everything's packed. A couple trucks remain. The croc is gone. Things are quiet. Ianto stands down by the water, staring out. He is wrapped in a blanket, post-coitus and still thrumming from the frantic coupling in the bushes.

Hypnotic beauty. The lake doesn't even ripple. He soaks it in as if he knows it may be a while before he ever gets close to this again. He hears every bird. Including a distant loon. Serenity has returned. Then suddenly... a stone goes skipping out, four, five, six skips. Ianto turns around. Jack stands there. They hold a look.

"I thought I should say goodbye to the lake too." Jack whispers as he approaches. Takes his hand.

Ianto says weakly "Different worlds, Jack."

"Yeah, I thought about that ... and... I haven't found somebody in my world. You found anyone in yours?"

"No."

"So I was thinking... maybe if I met anybody in my world who was good for you and if you know somebody in New York good for me, we could fix each other up."

"You think?" Ianto's eyes start to dance with mirth at the blatant act.

"Worth a try. We don't wanna be alone forever, do we?"

"Probably not." Ianto deadpans.

They hold a look. He kisses Jack softly.

"That was... y'know if the guy asks me can ya kiss, now I'll be able to tell him if you can." Jack stumbles over his words as Ianto raises an eyebrow.

"Good thinking." Ianto whispers huskily.

And they kiss again, this one escalates a little. They break. And then he holds him and they slow dance as he hums.

**.**

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**.**

Police cars, lights flashing, motor down the highway. Behind them... on a flatbed truck... a thirty foot giant Crocodillion. Headed down the southbound lane of the Paradise turnpike. Rolling. Rolling. Rolling along. It doesn't even look ridiculous. We've become accustomed to such sights.

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**ESTELLE FARM - SUNSET**

Daffy Mrs. Estelle sits at the end of her dock, feet dangling in the water. Throwing bread crumbs.

"Cute little Buttons. Mommy loves you. Come eat your supper little buttons. Nibble Mommy's toes."

Three, maybe four, Crocodillion hatchlings, a foot in length, are swimming near her feet, eating the bread, nibbling her toes.

**THE END**


End file.
